I originally wrote this blog post several months ago, and decided not to share it at that time. But, now with a little time and distance, I think it is okay to share these experiences of trying to live with the duality of having cancer and living life well. (also, published with thank to my sister for letting spoil and adore her wonderful kids!)
In
the past 24 hours, I've had two distinct but related experiences. Last
night, I found out that an older friend was admitted to hospital.
She has been dealing with head and neck cancer for the past two decades,
and has been trying to live her life to the fullest despite the nearly
constant recent barrage of difficult medical procedures and bad news.
Her family and everyone around her is struggling to deal with the both
the physical and emotional pain and possibility of loss. I don't know
what the future will hold for her, but I know it will not be an easy path.
This morning, I saw another friends new baby. A beautiful, tiny new life, who is so wanted and loved, and so full of possibility. The new mom and dad looked lovely and happy. Everyone around the new family beamed while offering smiles, congratulations and other joyful exclamations.
I wish so badly that my life was closer to that of my second friend, and it just fills me with such great longing to admit that I won't have my own child. Instead, I, now 34 years old, am also dealing with metastatic cancer for which there is no cure. There is not even a great treatment to stem the slow but relentless uncontrolled cell growth. Physically speaking, yes, I could still bear a child, but with no significant other, and a drastically shortened life expectancy, it is something that I know I will not do.
I wish that I could snap my fingers and go back to a cancer-free life when the sight of someone's newborn didn't cause deeply mixed emotions and red watery eyes that really can't pass for allergies. I wish I could have a supportive husband who would be father to my children. I wish my life would bring more joy and hope for the future instead of forcing my friends and family to deal with uncomfortable realities of cancer, pain, and mortality. I wish my life focused more on my plans for next weekend than my next doctor's appointments. I wish I really believed the doctor's assurances that this pain in my back was totally unrelated the metastases in my lungs. (edit - the pain in my back was totally unrelated to cancer!)
It is pointless to wish for things that cannot be. I have no choice but to deal with reality, and to do the best I can with what I have. So, I will try to be there for both of my friends, and I will try keep living life the best I can for as long as I can, and stop to deal with physical issues as I need to. I just wish it wasn't so painfully hard.
This morning, I saw another friends new baby. A beautiful, tiny new life, who is so wanted and loved, and so full of possibility. The new mom and dad looked lovely and happy. Everyone around the new family beamed while offering smiles, congratulations and other joyful exclamations.
I wish so badly that my life was closer to that of my second friend, and it just fills me with such great longing to admit that I won't have my own child. Instead, I, now 34 years old, am also dealing with metastatic cancer for which there is no cure. There is not even a great treatment to stem the slow but relentless uncontrolled cell growth. Physically speaking, yes, I could still bear a child, but with no significant other, and a drastically shortened life expectancy, it is something that I know I will not do.
I wish that I could snap my fingers and go back to a cancer-free life when the sight of someone's newborn didn't cause deeply mixed emotions and red watery eyes that really can't pass for allergies. I wish I could have a supportive husband who would be father to my children. I wish my life would bring more joy and hope for the future instead of forcing my friends and family to deal with uncomfortable realities of cancer, pain, and mortality. I wish my life focused more on my plans for next weekend than my next doctor's appointments. I wish I really believed the doctor's assurances that this pain in my back was totally unrelated the metastases in my lungs. (edit - the pain in my back was totally unrelated to cancer!)
It is pointless to wish for things that cannot be. I have no choice but to deal with reality, and to do the best I can with what I have. So, I will try to be there for both of my friends, and I will try keep living life the best I can for as long as I can, and stop to deal with physical issues as I need to. I just wish it wasn't so painfully hard.
The holidays are hard for the same reasons - the focus on children in general and seeing all of my extended family with all of their amazingly beautiful families makes my status as a "single" hard, and a woman who had been fighting this insidious disease for over 20 years passed away on Christmas Day. She was 41, and an inspiration to so many to really live well despite this disease. But, I am also doing better focusing on joy, laughing with family and friends. I think my New Year's Resolution will be to continue my focus on enjoying today, because it does no good to worry about things I cannot control. - I am sure it won't stop me from worrying, but I will try to remember the lesson from my back healing itself as a reminder that not everything is a direct result of cancer.
I wish you all a wonderful, happy, and healthy 2014!
